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putting it all together (again)

my world has turned itself on its head again. things have changed. and how. dreams have been given up. some put to a temporary rest for awhile. relationships have been tested. several have soured. some have become bland. a few have become sweeter by it all for having weathered the reversals.

this heart has been broken. again. because of my folly. because of other people’s follies. but i will not dwell on that. simply because i have learned precious lessons. and yes, it still hurts.

i shall tell you instead of how i am putting myself together.

i went inside myself. looking at every little broken thing in me. poking at every aching part to check just how much damage it’s taken. it’s a lot. but then i trust i will survive. things have already started turning up and there’s less and less pain everyday.

each day begins by letting the dogs out for their toilet needs. if i feel like it, we go on a morning walk. most days i’m up to it. and the weather has been lovely lately. with morning mists and a slight chill in the air that clears the head. the dogs love it. after not having owned a dog for years, i’m back to having them. and three of them. so with the four cats, the three dogs, and now, a honey buzzard, my room is a menagerie. i keep frogs in here too but that’s just to feed the raptor. so there’s pao pao, the adult scottish terrier whom i offered to take care of because he’s been neglected in the house where i lived in the city. there’s etienne, a german shepherd/labrador mix now almost four months. and then there’s gael, my three month old whippet. the honey buzzard, i’m calling deirdre. even if i don’t know what its sex is. because i like the name.

after the walk, i would check if the things that people should be doing today are being started, then i go and work on things i need to work on myself.

every few hours, i take a break and play with the dogs for a few minutes and then get back to work.

sometimes we take an early evening walk. but usually we take a midnight walk when there are less vehicles on the road. and then being tired from the walk, they go to sleep immediately. i put pao pao and etienne in their crates to keep them from soiling my room if i don’t wake up early enough. dogs won’t soil places where they sleep. gael sleeps with me and he loves sleeping as much as i do so there’s usually no problem. when he wakes up, he whines a little and that means it’s time for the morning toilet. and we all go out to do our business. and thus begins another day.

last week, i was playing in the yard with them while they chased each other on the grass. pao pao who used to just stay by himself ignoring the puppies was playing with them. i don’t know but that sight made me very happy. i got pao pao when he had a bad case of mange and allergies to tick bites. he had open sores. he smelled so bad no one could stand being around him. after several months of homeopathic treatment using an ointment i formulated using madre de cacao after folk medicine for mange, paopao is free of sores. he still scratches himself out of habit but i see the mange is going away as well. the trips to the beach must have helped as well.

that sight, seeing him play with the puppies and acting like he was having fun touched a chord inside me. for a while i was afraid the sadness will never go away. that my heart will never be happy again. but seeing pao pao having fun again, being playful, after several months of miserable existence. i was reminded that if you take the things that cause you pain, then the heart will learn to be happy again. and i see that i have done right. i took myself away from the things that caused me pain, and slowly my heart is healing.

writing should help. thus this.

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