natuwa ako masyado dun sa 20 things ng gehls eh. so gawa din ako.

at kailangan may number kasi baka kulangin o sumobra ako sa 20.

1. sorry. mali talaga ako.

2. i forgive you. it was hell you put me through but it’s all behind us now. not that you’re gonna get a chance to get close again.

3. wala akong mapaglagyan sayo sa buhay ko ngayon eh. balik ka na lang ulit. pag office hours na ulit ng puso ko.

4. mahal ka sakin pero nakakapagod ang kabobohan mo. at may pagkasinungaling ka.

5. for someone intelligent you make the most idiotic decisions. mag isip ka na. mahal ka namin. (ay nasabi ko na yata to sa kanya)

5.1. gaga ka.

6. minahal mo ba talaga ako nun? kahit konti?

7. makuenta ka. di ako sanay ng ganun. at ayoko din matutong magkuenta.

8. natuwa ka naman sa ginawa mo? mukhang ikaw lang eh.

9. sorry. hindi nako ganun. so hanap ka ng magaganyan.

10. try mo minsan mag isip. paminsan minsan lang. baka mapagod ka pag palagian eh.

11. palangga ta gid ikaw… mahimakas gid ako nga mapabugal mo sa madali. (mahal na mahal kita. i’ll make you proud soon.)

12. ang gulo mo kausap! magdesisyon ka! at panindigan mo. wag ka mang iwan sa ere.

13. te? ano na natabo saton? (o, ano? ano na nangyari satin?)

14. pagaling ka ah. mukhang malala na yung sakit mo sa utak eh.

15. ang galing nyo. salamat sa pagprove na posible ang maging ganyan kagaling. at salamat sa pagiging generous nyo sa inyong talent. laking utang na loob ko sa inyong mag asawa (buong pamilya na). at sasabihin ko talaga to sa inyo the first chance i get. mahal na mahal ko kayo!

16. tama na ang pagdodroga. wag ka adik. wag ka praning. ang mundo ay umiikot sa araw. araw ka ba?

17. ang tibay mo. tanginang tibay mo! gawa ka ba sa bakal? benta kaya kita sa junkyard…

18. hindi talent ang cut and paste. function yun ng microsoft office.

19. kung magmamahal lang talaga ako ng babae ikaw na yun. kaso yoko eh. lalaki talaga gusto ko.

20. tantanan nako! utang na loob!

Here I leave my shadows. Now I say goodbye to despair.  It was cozy in there.  It was familiar.  But now I choose to step into the light.  I feel like racing with the light.  Don’t blink.  You might just miss it.

Dear sweethearts,

Vote for Thom, save the Hornbills!

Thom Hermans (10 years old) is the Children’s Director for Birdpark Avifauna in The Netherlands. All the 15 members of the Dutch Zoo Federation have a children’s director. During 1 year they will assist the ‘real’ director with several things, like openings, ceremonies etc. The main purpose of a children’s director is to get children interested and involved with animals, nature and conservation programs.

All the Children Directors had to select a conservation project that they would like to support during their year as director. They act as an ambassador for this project and they are also trying to collect supporting votes on the Internet for this project. Thom chooses to give his support to the Philippine Hornbill Conservation Programme (PHCP) that is coordinated by William Oliver.
The Director that will collect most of the Internet votes wins a cheque of 2500 euros for his/ her project!

At this moment Thom is second on the voting list. He needs a few more votes to win this contest!

So since we are all hornbill enthusiastics I would like to ask you all to vote for Thom, so that the PHCP will have another 2500 Euro to spend next year!

Go to www.kinderdierekteuren.nl
Click on “Scorebord”
Click on “Thom Hermans”
And then click on “Hier stem ik op”

You can vote 4 times!

Thank you very much!

With kind regards,
Vogelpark Avifauna

I have a friend. He really is my friend.  But we argue almost every time we talk.  We have opposing views about things.   The only thing we probably agree on is that Men are Glorious Creatures.  Even with that we have some arguments too.  He likes the clean-shaven, freshly-pressed ones.  I like the grungy ones.

I don’t know.  It could be just me but I think some times our arguments are so heated because we badly need to believe in the things we believe in and are afraid that the other one is living a life proving his theory.

One of the most biting things he’s ever said to me was in the middle of some joyous occasion for me.   I was so excited about my plans when he quipped that hope isn’t a plan.

That shot me down from the seventh heaven I was on.

He prefers living with security.   Everything planned.

When I did tell him that I have plans, he dismissed them as non-plans.  I was so mad at him for a long time.

The next time we saw each other, he slipped into the conversation how he believed in my abilities and that with some sensible, downward look at the horizon, I could get to where I want to be.

I forgave him then and there.  He means well, I know.  And he’s right about my eyes being trained always on the stars. Tumbling about on my way to my destination.  I know he has my interests in mind.  He is beyond envy or pettiness.  It’s just because he cares for me that he is able to say these things.  And when he knows I have been offended, he’s the first to dip his hand into the balm and soothe my hurt.

I hope I never become somebody who will not hear of his flaws.

As for my friend, he is as easily offended as I am and I have told him to his consternation that his preference for safety is what’s keeping him from flying.  Although he thinks he’s already as daring as anyone has a right to be.  I don’t know anymore how to make him see his strait-laced ways as I know he thinks of my ways as too flamboyant and hedonistic.

I guess that’s also part of being a friend.  Being able to say the most hurtful things not so you can hurt your friend, but because you want what’s best for him.  And then trying to find the best way to say them.

Disagreeing with somebody doesn’t necessarily mean you cannot be friends.  Some times it’s the ones who agree with you who disagree vehemently inside their heads.  And we all need a good reality check every once in a while.  Just so our minds don’t shrink into prune-like little things that rattle inside our heads.  Just so we continue growing.  Proving our theories.  Or changing them if we find them false.   May I never be too tired to change my mind if I ever find out I am wrong.

i once was a regular visitor of a blog. i liked that blog because of the articulateness of the blogger. he has such a surprisingly wonderful way with words. i don’t know him in real life. but his posts always resonated in me. maybe because we’re both gay. but that would be too simplistic an answer.

anyway, when i changed template some time ago, i lost all of my links. so i lost his blog address.

going through profiles in a gay dating network i found him and a link to his new blog. went through it and found he’s finally made a film. he’s a hugely talented filmmaker (from what i’ve read on his blog), and here is the proof.

let’s make it a date to watch the world premiere of “The Thank You Girls” in August.

Here’s the website: TYG

i need this. don’t begrudge me this.

i sang yesterday at a friend’s wedding. dotty was game enough to allow herself to be dragged along.

there was some argument a few days before with the string quartet the couple hired about tempo and arrangements. i was almost too pissed to go through with it. but of course, i wasn’t gonna quit. it wasn’t my wedding. i don’t get to ruin a friend’s wedding. i only have the right to do that on my own wedding. what pissed me off about the quartet is that their pianist who was our contact kept putting me down about my style. that i had too big a voice that i don’t control. he was right about my lousy timing. but he could have helped me there instead of insulting me. dotty is a witness. and as for my vocal size, my teacher says i should always sing in that size. her words are: that’s how you’ll get paid kamo. problema ng technician yan. hindi mo problema.

the night before the wedding dotty tried to cheer me up and helped me get the tempos right. i thought that wasn’t enough. i thought i needed to go to a spa, get a massage, and spend forever in a jacuzzi. that’s exactly what i did. and more. i was to learn that night that things (fun things. several fun things) happen in a common room when you go to the spa. at least in the spa that i went to. that helped too. *laughter laughter.

on the morning of the wedding, i told negra about how i felt and how i’m terrified i might make a mess of myself. she said she’s heard me sing those songs and not just her, other people too and i have done them well, so there was no reason for me not to do it now. that was a good pick me up speech. then i was trying to warm up when my voice just deserted me. all of a sudden it was already warm and limber when it just went sluggish and dull. this always happens to me when i have to sing in public. i calmed myself and got me some apples. ate them. got me a gatorade bottle and went to church. i hummed and hummed until my voice warmed up again. i was trying out my songs at the back of the church because there was a wedding before my friend’s. soon enough i felt confident again.

when i saw the quartet and approached them they weren’t very warm towards me. not that it was a surprise. i was told that somebody else is singing the walk-down-the-aisle song. a song i didn’t have any problem with. i could sing it lying down. but i didn’t want to fight. i wanted to keep my calm. i said i can just go to the reception and sing my set there. the quartet guy said he needed me for lead me lord. fine. show me my entrances there and i’ll do it. he did. when the woman he asked to sing the song i was supposed to sing sang, i was more than happy to see her having difficulty in some of the passages. if this was good singing for him, i don’t care about his opinion anymore. so i sang my bit. but i guess i was still holding back. not only because of how i felt towards the quartet but because of the atmosphere of the church. you know how i feel about churches. some residue must have been left from my growing up in a convent school. that you cannot raise your voice too much in a church. the quartet guy gave me a thumbs up after my song. anyway, dotty was already at the reception. i signed to the quartet that i will go ahead. the guy told me to ride with him. i said ok. he might give me pointers about the songs we’re singing at the reception. but then i thought if he said something awful, i’ll have to pick the broken pieces of my newly-put-together confidence back together again and glue them back. i didn’t want to risk that. carol asked me to ride with her but the bride, tin, asked her to ride with them. so there i was, handed over to a cousin of the bride with no ride in sight. almost got left behind. in the end i was able to squeeze in to the back of a jeep with no airconditioning. was sweating it out through the traffic from kamuning to visayas ave.

when we got to the reception, i saw dotty and asked her to spot my top notes. we spotted each other and went back to our seats. i wasn’t nervous anymore. i was raring to go on. when we did, it took me a bit to adjust to the mic. awful contraption that is. the technician was adjusting all throughout my song (if i loved you) but by the repeat i was already in control. the quartet guy asked me to hold the full 8 counts of the word “know” and i gave it to him in full voice. what i liked so much was the audience forgetting to eat and sitting there watching. you know how it happens at weddings. they don’t listen to you. they eat. but not this time. dotty came on and from me to her in heels, the mic stand had to be adjusted. i had to make the adjustment while she was singing. she did her song well but the mic is mixed so that some of her tones aren’t detected. i had a lesser problem because of the sheer size of my instrument. i did la vie en rose next in french. with the edith piaf verses. that time, every body hushed and turned around to look. what is that bald guy singing? when i got to the quand il me prend dans ses bras… the sigh of recognition from the oldies with smiles on their faces encouraged me. i stole a glance at the couple and tin gave me the thumbs up. i went back to my song and finished with a flourish. dottie came on next and did a naughty night and day version. then we did our duet. take me as i am from jekyll and hyde. since there was only one mic, i favored it towards dotty and in the big parts stepped away. i was pretty confident i could be heard. we did a good job.

I said goodbye to carol and introduced her to dotty before leaving. we left after eating and talked about the parts of our performances that we could improve on. we celebrated the parts we were good in. and almost didn’t want the night to finish. a little after she dropped me off, she messaged me that she left her water bottle at the reception. i gave her the coordinator’s number but he wasn’t replying anymore.

this morning when i woke up, i received a message from tin.

Hi, Ralph. Edward and I are grateful to you and Dotty for last night. The guests especially the ninongs and ninangs were so amazed by your singing. We have something for you two. How can we give it? Thanks much! Mwah!

i think that warrants a pat on the back.

home to iloilo i go.

wala pakong tulog kakaguhit ng mga larawan para sa isang libro.

tumingin lang kung may naligaw na email kung kanino man nanggaling. meron nga. galing sa isang katrabaho, tungkol sa mga tracking device para sa mga cloud rats.

naisip ko lang. pang ilang buhay ko na to?

an layo sa mga ibang naging buhay ko pero di pa rin nagkaiba. at ako pa rin ako.

buhay nga naman. nakakatuwa.

you have to believe me, I don’t like having my pictures taken.

i really don’t.